A lion furiously biting down the red freshly dead muscles of a musk, the pigeon on my window pane waiting for a week after her egg disappeared (the egg fell and broke in her absence), the radiance of a wild lily that lets the droplets casually slip through her skin, the pointless vastness of the sky which for god knows what is vaster than one can ever imagine, the veins of a leaf and the random structure that they naturally follow, the ripples in the water that form a whirlpool, the unending patience with which a horizon still confidently stands.. Waiting to be reached... someday... will I ever be that close to life?

Consciousness. Consciousness of existence. That's my bane, that's also the reason I am capable of jotting these things down. But where does it take me? I would not have asked this question if I at all were the pigeon or the lily or the horizon.... why was there the need for a race that could sit back and wonder about themselves, their crimes and prejudices, their world, their sight, their experience?

Applause was it?

It is too late for a lot of people to make any change for today. But we're just in time for a few years later.
Mothers: Start giving both your children (son and daughter) the same size of meat for lunch and the same amount of preference. That she is going to get married after some years is no logic.

Fathers: When she goes out wearing skimpy clothes for her prom night, tolerate it, tolerate skin show, it shows how as a part of the man community of your country, you can be okay with it. Have you ever seen men who have nice bodies not show it off? Do you think being a bouncer at clubs is insulting? Think about the opposite sex's bit.  You could secretly guard her to the party definitely without her knowing, but tolerate it.  Never inject this idea in her brain that wearing lesser closes attracts men, she should wear what she is wearing because she loves showing off her body, a natural gift.

Brothers: Know when to beat up that jerk who whistled at her. Giving her a letter is not bad behaviour, pulling her clothes, writing weird stuff in the letter is bad behaviour. For bad behaviour beat HIM up and not your sister.

Sisters: Don't complain about the wrong things, it's good that Aishwarya Rai changed boyfriends every year. She fell in love as many times as she wanted to, none of your business, unless she is using a friend for money.

Boyfriends: It's okay for her to work, its okay for you to survive on her money like it is vice versa. Cause its okay for you to cook or clean up, like she does. You don't need to drop her everywhere nor carry her with yourself everywhere. Trust me, when it's not okay, you'll know deep inside you. 

 Politicians and other influential parents: Your son raped her? He can? Cause he is your son? Are you sure it's making a man out of him? You sure he'd able to manage any bang on his own behalf? Try him, make him a man. Don't support rape. Tell him, pride comes when she wants it, wants it so bad that she comes and SAYS it, or makes other physical gestures. Also tell him, those gestures are not looking, drinking with her friends or wearing a small skirt. Teach him the gestures. There is a high chance even you don't know the gestures, learn it from the Casanovas. There's a pride when she wants it, I repeat, try to experience that, try to make your son experience that.

Families and society: If she has been raped don't blame her, blame the rapist. She is not a virgin anymore? With that set up of a mind, you anyway never knew if she ever was. There is no problem if one of you marries a rape victim. She WAS RAPED, she was not a RAPIST.  And barring physical handicaps (just like the recent Delhi Pulic rape victim is going through) RAPE cannot have any other effect on a woman's character. As in, being raped, does not make a woman want to be raped even more. It does not work like that.

Schools: All of you please become co educational institutes. Let the girls and boys play together.

Local club houses: Let them all play carom and badminton together. Now this is about bringing up a generation where they don't have the distance to deal with just before it's the time to marry. That brings up complications. Let them know their body, let them be easy about each other appearance and presence. Let them figure it all out, they are humans. Just like we are, just like our forefathers were. With a little bit of guidance, and mind you only the little, necessary bit, they will know each other better. Sex education is important. And sex education is not about why you should not have sex only, it is also about how and when and who to have it with.

The possible rape victims(who are all of us): Carry pepper sprays, carry the courage if you can't help it, even if it is hurting too bad, hit the asshole up his balls, even before you fall unconscious. If you're already a rape victim, then don't be ashamed, fight. And see to it that the rapist is avenged. This is not the area for forgiveness, those are different zones.

All this can start today and will only begin to come to affect in some decent amount of years. It would have by now if we started earlier. Let's all start today. We'll all make a difference someday. Cause it is only about a collective mindset affecting an individual mindset. 

I do not understand if experience has made me more mature or
pretentious. It looks so weird to me today, the things I'd do for love
in the past, for people, for friends and for family.... some of them
I am sure I'll never do again and some of them I surprise myself often
by not doing. A few friends of mine say I'm selfish. If I am, haven't
I grown into it? Who knows? Who walked it? But even if it was so, why
didn't life make selfish things out of people who went through similar
experiences? These days, when I am unhappy, I give it a serious
thought weather or not I should complain. I do complain at some point
though, I hardly have that amount of patience. But the fact that I
give it a thought, the fact that I get scared I'll be repeating
things... the fact that complaining may become acknowledging the
problem muffles ideas in my mind.. isn't it a huge mark on my
spontaneous quotient?

I think this luggage of experience is binding me to something else...
I don't know if I connect to that something of a life...

I don't want experience. I want to give it away, right there. Cry when
it wants to run down my cheek. Slap when the mind is juggled. Run as
soon as it's intolerable. Kiss as soon as it's uncontrollable. Hug
when I'm the most vulnerable, without thinking of the consequences.
why don't I do all this? And the cherry is, I still don't do all of
it, may be I do half of it, and get interpreted as selfish, and hang
between nowhere! I want to be a child again. I want to be an Arian
again.

Some other time
I'll find that line again
That line that sparked in my mind
and by the time I had pen and paper
It had gone away

Some other day
I'll have that line.

Some other moment
will bring it back to me
when It's meaning will change
may be i'll change a word or two in it
but I'll find that line
i'll write that line.

some other day
I'll have that line.

This could easily be a post on how I spent my first Durga Puja without
Dadu. But now that the Puja is over, let's talk about bigger
complications.

I was having a conversation with my father this evening.

I: You know Baba, I think something definitely goes terribly wrong
with Bengali men during Durga Puja. They try out falling in love, just
for the sake of Durga Puja or something.

Baba: Why do you say that? Someone has fallen in love with you this Puja?

I: If not in love, they at least 3 men I can count have shown romantic
interest in me.

Baba: You?!!

I: Yes.

Baba: I don't know what is wrong with the men from your generation!
They fall in love with people like you? Short, fat, disproportionate.
(I frown) I mean.. of course as a daughter you're fine. But to fall in
love with, you'd have to be so much more beautiful for me. Eww! How
can people feel attracted to you?

I: You are not my target audience.

Baba: Who has fallen in love with you ? Tell me! Someone who was
already in love with you? Or is this some new joker? You should never
fall in love with men who fall in love with you. Coz they have bad
choice, they've fallen in love with you!

I: I am not falling for people, we're talking about people falling for me.

Baba: You don't have long legs, proper eyes, a proper giraffe neck, a
waistline. I could never paint you.

I: Well, apparently a lot of other men don't think so. They could sing
me, play me, write me... I haven't found a painter yet, that too
shall...

Baba: Oh please. Don't kid me. No one has fallen for you. Such bouts
of imaginations will only add on to your weight. Go lose some weight!
And what are having? Payesh? Stop having it. Give it to me.

*he snatched away the plate and gorged onto every seed of rice in it*

N.B.: He is a diabetes patient.

chena shohor, chinte chayena amay
chena shohor, chinte chayena amay
ratri bojhe shurjo o je amake bojhate chaye
chena shohor, chinte chayena amay

ki mone holo, bawle
shawhor chokh khole
aar chokhe daekhe je amay
holudh jawto aalo
amar gaaye dhalo
shohor ta bheej te je chaye
chena shohor
kinte je chaiche amay
chena shohor
kinte je chaiche amay
shopno bihin ratri'r rin ningre nilo je amaye


kothae jaabe bawlo.. hawthat kije holo
chup kore roeche shomoy
pichle jaye shawhor
muhurter mohor
jibon tao gune jaye
chena shohor
chinte je chayna amaye
chena shohor chinte je chayna amay

ratri bojhe shurjo o je, amake bojhate chaye
chena shawhor chinte je chayna amay
chena shawhor chinte je chayna amay
chena shawhor chinte je chayna amay...

All my life, I thought it was my tendency to hold on to things that
made me special. But special is a very tricky word. They also use it
for the handicapped. Now the fact that I feel everything belongs to
me, is my handicap. A close friend insisted that letting go, is the
correct thing to do. But wait, do I have an option really? It is not
the correct thing to do, it is the only thing to do. If nothing else
then, death shall snatch it all away. I have been striving on this
process and correctness of it for 3 days, I'm sure I must go through
this process. But achievement is a different ball game.


What of my pebbles then?
Are they not mine?
Why am I carrying their weight, romanticizing with them?
I am scared to lose. To lose the capability to attach myself.