I thought amongst problems counting people's deaths and dadu's ill health, and failing relationships, and failing family bonding, THIS, was not going to hurt so much. My Nordic Aryan blooded 9 yr old german shepherd, is not there. He is not wagging his tail to glory already standing at the door , even before I can get off the cab, he is not there peeping from behind the door, making an earnest request with just the way he looks , that says  ' can I stay in with you? I promise not to disturb u while u study'.

Love and a lot of attention, that's all he ever asked from life. Little did he know that he was actually scaring away strangers when he jumped at them just for the heck of affection. He was like most of the people I am close too, an emotional fool. What a fool!!! I don't think he even knew that he was a german shepherd, he probably had an idea that he was a cow, or a goat, or a donkey even.

He loved mangoes, and mutton, he had imbibed all the qualities of the golf garden family.

Another thing that you cannot forget is that he would respond to any song that had the word 'shundor' in it. He would think, his name was being called out.  Lol.

But I could not interpret destiny after all. However much I decide to trick 'changes',  a new texture of them shall stand before me, with the tag ' handle this one'.

No, seriously… I did not think shundor's passing away would bother me so much, but I stayed at golf gardens for just a day, and I realized, it was so much difficult, shundor is all over the house.

He is just not leaving; he is not disappearing amongst other graver issues. And this time, his memories are hurting unlike till 5^th of February. Our house still smells of him, a big bowl still lies outside the kitchen, god knows why no one takes trouble to remove it, god knows why I don't remove it when I notice its useless presence.

I think about dida, what must she be going through all the day, alone, when for the past one decade nearly only shundor has kept her company in that huge house.

I can go on and on and on, there are so so so so so, many memories, this could never get over in one post, but recollecting hurts.

I have touched him so many times in all these years, but all I shall remember is the last touch, he was cold, I had myself placed his body on an ice slab, but his shoulder still felt so soft. Eyes were still wide open. My-my what eyes!!! What beautiful eyes!! The most naïve and love seeking pair I've ever seen.

Now, again, like earlier, I am the youngest member of my family. You don't get all the attention Shundor.  Dida, dadu, ma, mama, usha maashi, geeta mashi, heera lal kaku, shuchitra mashi…. Yes,  I have all of them, you go enjoy ur solitude. Guess you deserve it, golf garden is too tough, I understand. Love you.

 Jealous eh? Cannot help, you got to pay for bliss darling.

From books to machines, from commitments to no answer abilities, from camera to editing, from obligations to options, from stabilities to instabilities, from oblivions to oblivions… 2010… has been predominantly about 'change'. And sexy changes I must say.

I cannot admit I have become used to changes. I still complain, crib, cry, and irritate myself while acquainting with them. But there is something about twists in tales, and the hollowness it leaves inside you that I sort of, enjoy. It's like when you mistakenly bite your lip, and it pains, but you like the pain somewhere.

So yes, if the year has something in its attic that is for keeps, then it is the realization that I enjoy cribbing about changes, and in course, I do enjoy the changes too.

I am not sure (you should never be sure), but I think this change, shall change too. Or may be it will not, may be the persistence shall be the change to come. K sera sera…

I remember, on this very night, exactly, 2 years back, someone told me … 'may you realize'. I do realize today. It took another two years to do that. I have been a cheat, been cheated on, lost weight, gained weight, been hit by addictions, done away with some, and kept some. But I love the mistakes that make me the 'chiky' that I am today. And I welcome all the new mistakes that shall make me another 'chiky', in the days to come!

Here's to all the changes! Here's to the sexiest of faux pas that make them happen!